Mr. Bill George Presents

Pirates Vs. Pirates

In Comedy, Film, News, Politics on April 17, 2009 at 11:11 AM

Lately there seems to be an abundance of news regarding pirates. Mostly of the Somali variety, but also the web kind. And this got me thinking: What would be worse? Being captured by Somali pirates on the high seas? Or being forced to sit through all three Pirates of the Caribbean movies again?

My seething hatred of the Pirates movies has been well documented but any chance I have to reiterate it, I take. They are a worthless heap of cinema with Saturday Morning Cartoon level writing, aggravating performances and frustrating plot developments throughout. (Which is understandable given that the basis for the trilogy is an animatronic water ride in Florida.) Yet, inexplicably, they were some of the most popular films of the last decade.

Meanwhile, pirates keep boarding ships off the coast of Somalia and endangering the lives of those onboard, at times leading to hostage situations and standoffs. That is, of course, when they are not busy getting pwned by Navy Seals. (I love America.)

So what’s worse: being captured by pirates? Or watching Pirates?

Well, right off the bat, being captured by pirates dramatically increases my chances of being murdered. But watching Pirates dramatically increases my chances of committing suicide. So that’s a wash.

You may think the movies should get a point for having Keira Knightley, but you’d be wrong. She’s not the sweet Knightley from all those Red Carpet specials. She’s the bitchy, complaining, phony Knightley who gives the worst inspirational speech in the history of film during At World’s End. Meanwhile, if my ship is captured, perhaps I’ll be locked up with a Knightley-esque fellow hostage. Those types of life endangering experiences often bring people close together and we’ll be in contact for years to come. Point for the Somalis.

At the end of the movies I will have accomplished nothing besides successfully wasting 463 minutes of my life (7.7 hours for those wondering). At the end of the standoff with the pirates, while I may end up dead, I may also end up alive with a fantastic story to tell. Not only to everyone I know for the rest of my life, but more importantly to a ghost writer. The book and movie deal would make me boatloads of cash (pun intended).

Which I guess leaves one last question: who would I want to direct the movie based on my story? …I wonder if Gore Verbinski is available…

Sound off in the comments: which would YOU prefer?

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  1. personally i prefer to maintain that the third movie never happened. However I suppose being captured would be more interesting only if rescue involved a glorious sword-first dive into the churning gullet of a kraken. seriously that one scene made the whole of dead man’s chest infinitely more enjoyable.

    Though in regards to the post question, I would want to be captured and forced to watch pirates by pirates while floating on the carribean. that would make for an amusing story.

  2. if i were ever captured by somali pirates i would force them to watch pirates 2 which i would have acquired from the pirate bay, which should probably kill or stun them long enough for me to escape. thought you were going to be commenting on the pirate bay trial here, because i know you’re a law and order guy but also a technology guy- so where do you stand?

  3. ha, both of you make excellent points. you know, i almost went the tech route and added that third pirate element but i didn’t know enough about the case. and i’m mixed on the subject. bittorrents i do think are getting a bit crazy and can totally understand the studios there. but at the same time, i’ve never been prudish enough to deny small scale sharing among friends. AKA i’m a hypocrite.

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